You know that the heart of discipleship is not just right beliefs or busy programs, but authentic relationships—connections that reflect the love, honesty, and grace of Christ. Yet, many churchgoers and leaders alike struggle to move beyond surface-level interactions. Why is this, and what can we do to help our communities build genuine relationships with both believers and nonbelievers?
Why Authentic Relationships Matter
Authentic relationships are the overflow of our union with God and others. They are not static or program-driven, but an unfolding story of people growing together in love and purpose, bonded by the Holy Spirit. Jesus taught that our love for one another would be the defining mark of His disciples. When we engage authentically, we create a context where people feel seen, valued, and supported, opening the door for true spiritual growth and transformation.
Barriers to Authentic Relationships
If we are being honest, many factors—even within the church—can hinder the development of deep, meaningful connections in our churches. In what ways do you see these barriers pop up in your church or even in your own relationships?
- Isolation and Loneliness: Modern life leaves people feeling disconnected, even in a crowd. Many attend church for months or years without forming significant friendships.
- Superficiality: Church culture sometimes prioritizes appearances over honesty, making it hard for people to share struggles or be vulnerable.
- Busyness: Over-scheduled lives leave little time or energy for investing in relationships beyond immediate family or close friends.
- Fear of Judgment or Rejection: Past hurts, whether from family or previous church experiences, can make people hesitant to open up or trust others.
- Individualism: Cultural values of self-sufficiency can discourage reliance on and support from others, even within the body of Christ.
7 Ways to Help People Build Authentic Relationships
Here are practical steps you can take to foster genuine relationships in their congregations:
1. Model Openness
People learn and are inspired by watching others. Share your own struggles and stories of growth from the pulpit and in smaller settings. Encourage leaders to be approachable and real about their own journeys.
Think: How can I show people that authentic relationships are worth the effort?
2. Be Safe
This isn’t a warning to protect yourself and your people but an exhortation to be a safe place for people to be honest. Honest about who they are, what they struggle with, and the big questions that keep them up at night. Develop small groups or triads where people can share their lives, pray, and support one another without fear of judgment. It can help to set clear expectations for confidentiality and grace.
Think: What needs to change so people can feel safe expressing their questions, hopes, and fears?
3. Prioritize Togetherness
Make it clear—through both words and actions—that togetherness is not just a value, but a lived priority. This is one of the real values of church events. But watch the balance. There is a very real danger in creating groups that are so close knit that there isn’t room for others. Togetherness has to extend to outside of church. View your local community as an extension of your congregation. Meet people where they are through outreach, service projects, and partnerships with other organizations to demonstrate that togetherness extends beyond church walls.
Think: What kind of relationships are being prioritized at your church? How can you build balance?
4. Prize Listening
Authentic relationships start by being genuinely curious about others’ experiences and perspectives, especially those who are different from us. But people often jump to looking for connections which actually keeps them from actively listening. Really listening means you are seeking to understand before being understood.
Think: How can you encourage empathy and active listening at your church?
5. Cross Divides
“I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb.” —Revelation 7:9
Every person on the planet was created in the image of God. We are called to embrace people who are different from us. Working for the vision found in Revelation 7 means that we need to learn how to build authentic relationships across generational, cultural, and social lines—and encourage others to do so as well.
Think: What obstacles keep people in your community from forming relationships that cross divides?
6. Equip for Conflict
It’s not a matter of if but when. Conflict is inevitable. Your team—really, everyone in the church—really should be prepared to handle conflict in a healthy manner. If you think about it, the most authentic relationship you have is probably with someone who you have navigated through some serious conflict with. That’s because conflict can lead to deeper trust when handled with humility and grace.
Think: What resources on biblical confrontation, forgiveness, and reconciliation can help you equip yourself and your people to navigate conflict in a healthy way?
7. Reach Out
Living out the Great Commission means building relationships outside the church. For those relationships to be authentic they need to be for their own sake, not just as a means of evangelism. This might be hard for longtime church goers. Look for ways the people of God to be present in shared spaces like workplaces, neighborhoods, and community events. Encourage people to serve and connect in areas and causes that they enjoy.
Think: How can you encourage people to reach out and build genuine relationships outside of the church?
Authentic Discipleship
Authentic relationships are essential for the health and mission of the church and the spiritual formation of the people of God. Building them requires intentionality, patience, and a willingness to move past comfort zones. As a leader, you set the tone by modeling vulnerability, creating safe spaces, and equipping your people to love deeply—both inside and outside the church walls. As you do you reflect the heart of Christ and create communities where transformation is possible.
Building authentic relationships is an essential element of discipleship. The Disciple Assessment can help you discover your strengths in this area and learn where you might want to grow. In fact, it offers a clear picture of where you are on your discipleship journey in 8 areas that Jesus focused on teaching his disciples. Even better, it is now available to you completely FREE! Learn more at www.discipleassessment.com.